Someone who is grieving

Postcards, formal bereavement letters, emails, WhatsApp pings, texts and Facebook messages. Vouchers for yoga classes and theatre tickets from a group of old schoolmates who wanted to cheer my whole family up. My aunt moved in with us, memorized how we all take tea and coffee, made every single meal for us and, one evening, dragged lamps from all around the house into the bathroom so I could bathe in more luxurious lighting.

But if there was any good intention there, whatever it was, I appreciated it. If they do initiate a conversation, make space for their words without necessarily feeling the need to interject. Without any magical thing to say to make it all better, just give them the space to express themselves and feel heard. I personally found comfort in others agreeing that things were shit.

I personally felt very isolated being 24 and not knowing anyone else going through the same thing. At a ripened 31 now, this has changed quite a bit, and I gain a lot from talking to other members of the Dead Dads Club. Linking members to any community like this could be hugely helpful.

Being sad is lonely. The London streets outside were a mash-up of fireworks, cheering and loud gales of laughter following the popping of bottles and smashing of glasses — all while I lay in a ward bed wondering if my father would make it through the night. All night long, I received messages from close friends and family — most crazily drunk, a few probably high, all just lovely. Knowing the world goes on despite your pain can feel alienating, but voices from the outside reminding you that they care, is the technological equivalent of having your hand held through it all.

My mother found comfort in an SOS system some of her girlfriends set up for her. She said she never used it, but slept better knowing that she could. But it definitely made me feel like death was dirty and that there was something unsayable about what was happening to us. Everyone grieves in his or her own way. The sadness of loss, however, is universal. Accept mood swings. Be aware that a grieving person will have emotional ups and downs.

Grief is often described as an emotional roller coaster. Someone who has just lost a loved one may feel fine one moment and overcome with emotion the next. This is a normal part of the grieving process. You may have experienced a loss in the past and feel you understand what someone is going through, but everyone experiences grief differently. It can be tempting to try and make someone who is grieving feel better.

The bereaved person might not feel the same way or may not find it comforting, and they could resent being told what to think. When someone is first bereaved, they may not be able to imagine a future without the person who has died.

Most people find ways to cope with their grief and feel better over time. In reality, the grieving process is different for everyone and it can take years. But a bereaved person may not believe in God, or may not agree. If they do believe, they may even feel God has taken their loved one, and be angry. When it comes to religion, be guided by things the bereaved person says and only mention it if it feels appropriate. Ask them if they would like you to be there.

After the funeral, people may not know how to adjust to normal life without their loved one. When people are grieving they can be more prone to illness, so encourage them to look after themselves, not work too hard and get plenty of rest.

Be open to whatever they are feeling at that time. If they are busy looking after everyone else, encourage them to allow space for their own feelings too. If their loved one died after a long illness, the bereaved person may be struggling with confusing emotions. At the same time, they may feel guilty for having these feelings. You could ask the person out for a coffee or a drink, suggest going on a walk, or go to see a band, show or exhibition together. People may turn down or cancel invitations, but still appreciate being asked.

A bereaved person may still need practical support in the weeks after their friend or family member has died. They are likely to find it harder to keep on top of everyday things like cooking, cleaning and gardening, and there might be jobs the person who died used to do for them. If they need extra financial support, you could help them find out if they are entitled to bereavement benefits. If you think someone who is grieving may need extra help, encourage them to join our Online Bereavement Community , find a local bereavement support group, or speak to their GP.

During the first year after a bereavement, people will be learning to live with their loss. They may start to feel better, and then suddenly feel intense sadness out of the blue. However they are doing, they will still need your support. Ask them how they are, give them opportunities to talk about things if they want to, and support them to see their GP or a counsellor if they are finding it hard to cope.

Keep inviting the bereaved person to do things with you.